Tired but I can't sleep so I decided to post instead. I am frustrated. I hate it when I feel like people don't like me. I know it is childish and petty but my whole being really just wants to be friends with that person. I probably should have a thicker skin but I don't and let's just be honest it probably will never be thick enough. That doesn't stop me from hating this. From hating that things are awkward and feeling powerless to change it. These wheels were set in motion long before I arrived on the scene it just sucks that I can't find a way to make everyone happy and get along.
I know it's not really my job to be the peacemaker here yet I feel like this is who I am, who I have always been. I don't know that I should try to make it better. One part of me feels like in am getting sucked into drama and the other part feels like I should be a grown up and fix it. I don't know. I know this is not making sense but maybe somebody will know/ understand what I am talking about. I really just can't say specifics for obvious reasons.

I just need to say that this should not be as stressful as it is.

brain won't turn off

I lie awake at night processing things that keep whirling in my brain. Most of the stuff is stuff I am sure everyone thinks of before they go to bed. Things like how bills are going to get paid, what you did that day, plans for tomorrow etc. While many of these things tend to drift in an of my brain throughout the day there are just some things that won't go away. I am a perfectionist. I cannot let things go when I get them wrong. I want to be the best at everything. While intellectualy I understand that learning has to take place for that to happen it is still a struggle for me daily. This bad habit is particularly evident to me now that I am at a new job. I am constantly learning new things but it is stressful and difficult sometimes for me to realize I don't know everything and that's OK! I really do like my new job, it feels as though it was tailor made for me. I get paid to smile and help people, I think I can handle this.
Well because I do need to go to bed I am going to make a list of the things on my mind things I haven't had time to process yet or simply can't ....
1. Knowing I will probably never know everything about you or your past but also knowing that you are letting me in bit by bit. I might have to catch my breath every once in a while though.
2. Money/school/bills
3. New job omg
4. volunteering @ the Homeless shelter ....maybe Saturday morning
5. being compasionate even when it is difficult
well that is all for now ...

The fourth of July rocked! We went back to Okc for their fireworks show and I do believe it will become a tradition! It was tons of fun and we got to spend a lot of quality time with our favorite couple; Randy and Candice. We ate the best soul food, laughed a ton, ate homeade smoked ribs, watched our favorite fireworks show, laughed some more, talked about WoW, went shopping, got my eyebrows waxed, crashed a family reunion, ate more good food, sang some songs at said reunion and all in all had the craziest, jam packed weekend ever. I promise I will post pics soon.

It was so good for us to be with a couple that we totally connect with. It felt like we picked up right where we left off with them. They are huge nerds just like us. It was nice too that I felt like I could totally go hang out with just Candice while the boys hung out together. It is so rare that Derek and I find a couple like that. I can't wait for them to move to Tulsa!

I organized a craft room for myself today:) well really it is a craft closet but the closet is enormous! I think it will be an awesome space for scrapbooking as long as I can get a fan because it has zero ventilation.

Time to find my be blog world adios!

So it's summer time and what that really means is that it is ridiculously hot outside! Which means when coupled with non air conditioning in my car= death.

I have decided to start posting on here much more frequently even though I am certain I no longer have readers so if you do happen to find your self reading this give me a shout out ;)

On a completley different note I have started scrapbooking. It is so much fun! I truly never thought I could enjoy it but now I can't seem to stop myself!

I feel as though I am playing catch up at the moment since I haven't been on here in so long.... because of this I feel like I have nothing truly substantial to write. Too bad cause I am not finished yet. :)

I have embarked upon a journey to a healthier me... unfortunately fast food is still too tempting to me. I want to be healthier but every time I tell myself I can't have whatever it is because I need to be healthier I want it even more. Stupid fast food ... You taste too good. I might try weight watchers.

I want to go camping! Well really I would like to go to the ranch but I would settle for camping. And the lake. And smores. And sleeping under the stars. That would be in with me.

Scrapbooking in 3,2,1 :)

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decisions

stuff has been changing rapidly this semester, or at least that is the way i feel anyway. My major is currently studio art and i just started taking the upper level classes in the art department. Unfortunately as this semester progressed I began to wonder if studio art was really what i wanted. I knew that studio art would not be an easy major but i also kept thinking that I would be able to handle it. The only problem is that I for some reason had not truly considered how many hours of work would be required outside of class. And while i do enjoy learning new skills I am not positive that I am willing to put in the extra hours they want. I really enjoy my weekends and being able to see and spend time with my husband and friends. Don't get me wrong it is not that I couldn't sacrifce some of that time it is simply that in order to stay on top of my studies in those art classes I would have had to be there every spare moment and I am not willing to do that.

I have also felt like I lost the joy in being creative after I started these classes. I don't know what exactly happened I can't explain it. I just know that this is not the major for me anymore.

I feel like a complete failure I have dropped 2 classes already this semester. That is the absolute first time I have ever done that. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. But it was the only way I felt that I could survive this semester without getting terrible grades. In any case I am going to meet with an advisor today at 2 to talk about switching my major to art history.

I have no idea what I will do with art history. I am not prepared to answer that question, but I know that I can handle that major and that I will enjoy it. I am feeling rather defeated. I know I should get a degree but I also know that the one thing in life I want to do more than anything is be a mom. And because of that I find it difficult to justify paying for a degree that I am not even sure I will use or will need to use.

The logical side of my brain says "finish school, get a house and have babies" The illogical side of my brain cancels school out says "have babies and get a house."

It is very very difficult at this moment to talk the illogical side of my brain out of this notion.

I hope that all made sense... and I hope I am making the right decision, i guess we will find out.

look I posted something *points down*

Well I thought it might be good for me to post something since I feel like it has been awhile since my last post.

School started which means my head wants to explode with all the information that is in there. I have to say that it is a good thing i have Derek because there have been multiple times that i just felt like quitting and he won't let me lol.

I have been really anxious about my ceramics class mostly because the last time I tried to work the potters wheel I failed miserably. So when our teacher indicated that we would be working on the wheel today, I very nearly dropped the class.

But today was fantastic! It was the first time I felt like I truly had a handle on anything so far this semester. Whatever the teacher said made everything click in my head. I am no where near amazing at it but I get it. :) you have no idea how happy that made me.

I think that I am going to learn a lot this semester. I can already see that the classes are going to push me to become a better artist. I like it, just don't be surprised if i go crazy before the semester is over.

The good news is that if I continue at the pace I am going I will graduate in fall 2009! I so ready to be done, mostly because school is expensive.

Ok well that is all I have for today. Off to research for my sculpture class.

Have a wonderful day!